Monday, April 15, 2013

Mon. Sept. 17, 2012

Monday Morning
It's taken me many months to get to this point ~ the point of having courage and strength to come back and write. Let's see what happens . . . . and take a few baby steps!

But first, I want to THANK YOU, all of you, who have taken the time to read my blog and to share it with others. It really means something to me, so thank you! 

The last entry was about our "final" trip to Michigan on Sept 13, 2012.  We were given the green light to go back home and prepare to have Isabelle by a scheduled c-section on Nov. 10, 2012.  A 10/11/12 birthday ~ how cool is that?!
We were still required to go to our weekly echocardiogram checks at Dr. Kumbar's office, as well as my weekly BPP study at Dr. Turnquest's office.  A quick reminder on what a BPP (biophysical profile) is: that's when they monitor the baby for a 30 min period and during this time they are measuring things like amniotic fluid level, movement, baby's breathing etc... and it's scored.  Any score below a 6 causes concern and will need to be further evaluated, which could potentially lead to delivery of your baby. (If anyone reads this and finds my information 'incorrect' please leave me a message so I can correct it, it's just they way I've come to understand it and after reading about BPP).

It was early Monday morning.  I, still half asleep, met Adam at the front door to say bye, like I do every morning as he leaves for work.  He reminded me that he left the ipod for me so I can use it to entertain Chloe during our BPP appointment later on that morning. We said our byes, and I crawled back into bed, hoping to get comfortable enough to be able catch a couple more hours of sleep before Chloe woke up ~ or the alarm went off ~ which ever came first! 
As I recall, I woke Chloe up to get things going so we could make my doctor appointment on time.  I wanted to make sure she had a full belly so that if she was cranky, at least I could be assured it wasn't because she was hungry!! 

I was feeling a little nervous about our appointment.  I remember telling Adam the night before (Sunday evening, before bed) that Izzy's movement's felt different. She was still moving around but just not with the same "pow, pizzazz, and oomph" as she had before.  It wasn't, in my mind, something so alarming that I needed to go to the ER, she was STILL  moving the "x" amount of times they tell pregnant mom's to monitor. So, that morning, feeling a little anxious about it, I decided to drink my FIRST coffee since finding out I was pregnant, and even then I could only bring myself to drink half of it! Isabelle was NOT a morning person.  I was NOT expecting much excitement from her until closer to "lunch" except for an occasional little flutter here or there.  I wasn't anticipating the big kicks and roll overs like she'd do later in the day during her aerobics session. So I thought maybe the caffeine might "kick-start" things for our BPP test. 

Diapers and wipes actually IN the diaper bag; check. Fully charged ipod; check. Snacks, treats, sippy cup; check. BB (her favorite stuffed animal/mini blanket); check. 
We were good to go! 
I got Chloe loaded into the stroller and we made our way to the office and into the exam room.  I made sure Chloe was all situated before I got myself settled onto the table for this 30 minute ultrasound. (Thank goodness Chloe knew enough about the ipod and how to pick a new Bubble Guppies episode once one was over!!)
I expressed my concern about Izzy's sluggish movements to the technician and how I drank 1/2 a cup of coffee hoping it would make her move.  She said that was fine.  As she saw from our last BPP, things looked great so maybe Isabelle was just running out of space now. I told her about our last trip to Michigan and how things looked good from their end too.

"Okay, let go ahead and get started." she said as she placed the gel on my tummy.  She checked the things she needed to check, commenting on how my amnio-fluid looked good and the heart rate looked 'good' (good for Izzy) and her breathing looked okay.  She said she would do a few things to see if she can stir up some movement from Izzy. My eyes NEVER left the screen. I silently said a prayer and mentally talked to Izzy ~ just hoping for something, mentally saying, "Please just MOVE!" I remember the tech saying, "Well, she has 30 minutes to show us something."  I remember trying to squeeze and contract my stomach and muscles in the hopes that would make Izzy move. Still, nothing. 

Her heart is beating, she's breathing... so why is she not moving? How bad can that be? What does all this mean? What happens next, what do we do to get her to move? I roll on to one side and then to the other side, as instructed. Still, nothing.  Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, and I saw the tech look at her watch.  Now she's even started talking to Izzy, "come on girl, give me something... give me something, you've got about 15 min left. You can do it!"

Hooray .... she did it, she moved! We both saw it. Isabelle moved her arm from her head down to her side!!

I was RELIEVED as I am sure the tech was too, but I could sense it still wasn't enough. 
Time was up.  The technician said she'd be right back and that she sent the video and information "out" (I assume to the doctor to view, I am really not sure, maybe for others to review it?)
The door opened, and in walked a nurse with a clip-board in her hand, and she sat down. "Well Angela, we are not liking what we are seeing here, so we are going to take you to the labor and delivery floor to have you monitored more."  I must have had the deer in headlights look because she then said it again, that they aren't liking the lack of movement from Isabelle and the ..."her scores are really REALLY low, she only scored a 2 out of 8."  I just remember stumbling for the words I wanted to say and what I was thinking and all I COULD say was, "I need to call my husband". 

I grabbed my phone, trying to find my husbands work number and I couldn't find it.  The nurse got me a phonebook, she actually looked it up for me and called out the numbers for me to dial.  A receptionist answered asking how she might direct my call.  I explained to her my husband, Adam Groninger, was an RN at Covance and it was urgent that I talk with him and I was put on hold.  Then a different woman answered, I believe she worked with Adam because she said, "hang on, they just paged him overhead, he'll be right here." 

He answered and I didn't know how to even explain what was going on.  I explained I was still at my appointment and that I was going to hand the phone over to the nurse. She proceeded to explain to Adam what the situation was and that she was taking me to the labor and delivery (L&D) floor so I and the baby could be monitored. She handed the phone back to me and I really don't remember what I said to him, but I am sure I said something like, "Come as soon as you can, drive safe and I love you."

I gathered Chloe and was guided by the nurse to the L&D floor. They were all ready for me, with the exception of my full chart, they just had the report from my BPP study in hand. "Gee that was fast" I remember thinking! It wasn't until the OB nurse handed me a hospital gown and explained she would put the IV in and hook me up to the baby monitor after I changed, that is when I realized this was WAY MORE than "just monitoring" they way I knew it to be.  I thought they'd just hook me up to the baby monitor for a while with my street clothes on and then we'd make plans accordingly. I either didn't realize how serious it was or I didn't want to believe that this was "it", Isabelle wasn't going to make it to Oct. 10th!! 
I pushed Chloe into the bathroom with me so I could change into my hospital gown, I couldn't leave her by herself  out in the room! She finally asked in her sweet little voice, "Momma, what you doing?" I just looked at her, I couldn't even answer her. I put my clothes into the "belongings bag" and pushed Chloe to the opposite side of the bed, away from the baby monitor and the IV poll and I crawled into the hospital bed. 

Here's my best recollection of my thoughts after I got my IV and had a few moments alone:

"This is NOT happening ~ IT CAN'T, NOT HERE, NOT NOW!  I can't BELIEVE this! We were JUST at Mott's just 4 days ago!  I HAVE TO HAVE HER THERE, WE HAVE TO MAKE IT THERE! Adam planned and worked SO HARD to make sure we were ready for that trip! We were ready for the moments notice that if her heart rate would have changed, we were ready to get in the car an GO! Maybe they'll dismiss me and we can make the 9 hour trip or maybe they will fly me? I just know we have to get there....  Hold on Izzy, please, baby girl, we can do this!"